My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
