I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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