I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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