Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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