Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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