You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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