im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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