K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
