i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
