she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
