I want to make a zoo with you.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
