my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
