I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
