I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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