cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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