true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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