so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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