it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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