my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
