sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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