3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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