I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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