Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
