There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
