I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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