Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
