is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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