Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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