Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
