I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
