i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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