all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
