R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
