wrigley field is MILF paradise
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
