highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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