yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
