he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
