the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
