I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
