im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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