my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
