I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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