the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
