dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
