Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
