If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
