I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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