So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
