hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
