dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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