Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I forget how to act sober
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