I hope mine doesn't look like that
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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