Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
